A few apologies, here...
First of all, my conscience has pecked me to death over the course of the last week or so. Although I'm sure that anyone reading is well aware of my regular use of biting irony, I feel I must set the record straight and clear the name of my dear friend Jeff Rockwood. He is in no way a sex-crazed fiend... in fact, he's probably among the more gracious and conservative of my old chums and, as his wife Melissa can attest, any man's daughter would find her virtue safe in his company. Blessings on your head, Rockwood. I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks.
Second, I must assure any and everyone aware of my McDonald's car-wreck fiasco, that, yes, indeed, definitely, I swear... I was certainly the party at fault. In rereading my Blogger post, I can easily see how one might surmise my innocence and place blame on the guy who went out the "in" lane. While I suppose I can concede that, had this guy stuck to the appropriate lane the accident probably would have never happened... but, believe me, I wasn't "forced" into a crash situation. In fact, he was long gone by the time the impact even took place. It's difficult to describe, but, rest assured, it was my deal. I received several emails and even a phone call after that post, attempting to convince me that I was the victim... but, I'm afraid it's just not true and my conscience couldn't allow me to represent otherwise. Really. I've been in accidents where it hasn't been my fault (in fact, I've even been screwed by the other guy and my own insurance company in said instance), so I do know the difference.
Third, there's a REALLY good chance, if you're reading this, that I owe you an email right about now. Friends, family members, associates, and several Blasts from the Past have emailed out of nowhere recently with script suggestions, legal advice, friendly hellos and whatall... and I'm sorry for not getting back with you. I assure you, I am getting your notes and I'll try to respond soon.
Fourth, sorry in advance for sounding like a total friggin' prick, but sometimes I find myself answering questions that people email me about what's going on on the Blogger here, rather than a personal email. In all honesty, it's not like I'm so popular that I'm having to ask my mother to refer to my press packet to find out how church went last weekend or anything like that. It's just that some sick, ego-maniacal part of me neglects to address blogger-covered issues and questions that come to me because... well, I don't know why... I suppose it's because, in some subconscious part of my grey matter, I tend to dismiss something that, I feel, I've already dealt with. This extends into every part of my life, by the way. It's pretty sad. "What? What do you mean they're sending us a turn-off notice? I paid that bill months ago! Oh, it's a whole NEW bill now ? Well, sheesh, who can keep up?!"
...
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't exactly been batting them out of the park lately in the script department. My New Year's resolution was "Quantity over Quality" as an ongoing theme this year, so... hopefully, I'll have a lot of scripts with a few gems sprinkled throughout by the time '04 rolls around. I don't know, I think my dialogue may be going a bit stale of late. Well, whatever, the latest title comes from Jessica Kodrich of sunny Southern California: It's All About Me.
Jessica is an associate of mine who may also turn into a client in the near future. And, trust me, you'll never believe what she's offering as payment for my illustration services... because it sure as heck ain't money, Daddy-O, and I'll have a heckuva time explaining it on an income tax form. Let your mind wander as it will.
...
DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR!!!
My good buddy Dave in Winona Lake, IN let me in on some terrific news. The In-N-Out Burger (i.e. the finest fast-food hamburger franchise known to man, ever ever) has a style of burger that's not mentioned on their menus. It's called "Animal Style" and it's a total party in your mouth. "Animal Style" is In-N-Outese for "A delicious burger with every great fixin' you can imagine, including sauteed onions." My goodness, I only wish I were lying, but it's true. Apparently, it's a very closely guarded secret in the In-N-Out community, so don't tell anyone I told you.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Hey, welcome to the In-N-Out! What can I get for you today?
JER: Yeah, hi, uh, I'd like a Double-Double with cheese, a regular fry, and a large iced tea.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Okay! Would you like onions on your Double Double, sir?
JER: Well, do you guys make, ah.... like, do you do... "Animal Style"? Because...
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (suddenly hushed and secretive): "Animal Style"?
JER: Yeah.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Hold on a sec, let me see what I can do...
JER: Okay.
[About 15 seconds pass]
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Sir? You got it. Animal Style. Please pull ahead to the first window.
JER: Thanks!
[I pull ahead to the first window]
MONEY GUY: Hi there, that'll be $5.12, please.
JER: Here you go...
MONEY GUY: Thanks. Let's see, your order was a Double Double, a regular fry and and iced-- wait. Sir, did you ask for... (hushed) "Animal Style?"
JER: Yes, I did.
MONEY GUY (with a wink and a smiling nod, whispering): Animal Style...!
---
And, indeed, it was as delicious as I'd hoped. More, even. I think I understand why it's a secret, too. If this recipe were to fall into the wrong hands... well... I shudder. Leave it at that. I SHUDDER.
First of all, my conscience has pecked me to death over the course of the last week or so. Although I'm sure that anyone reading is well aware of my regular use of biting irony, I feel I must set the record straight and clear the name of my dear friend Jeff Rockwood. He is in no way a sex-crazed fiend... in fact, he's probably among the more gracious and conservative of my old chums and, as his wife Melissa can attest, any man's daughter would find her virtue safe in his company. Blessings on your head, Rockwood. I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks.
Second, I must assure any and everyone aware of my McDonald's car-wreck fiasco, that, yes, indeed, definitely, I swear... I was certainly the party at fault. In rereading my Blogger post, I can easily see how one might surmise my innocence and place blame on the guy who went out the "in" lane. While I suppose I can concede that, had this guy stuck to the appropriate lane the accident probably would have never happened... but, believe me, I wasn't "forced" into a crash situation. In fact, he was long gone by the time the impact even took place. It's difficult to describe, but, rest assured, it was my deal. I received several emails and even a phone call after that post, attempting to convince me that I was the victim... but, I'm afraid it's just not true and my conscience couldn't allow me to represent otherwise. Really. I've been in accidents where it hasn't been my fault (in fact, I've even been screwed by the other guy and my own insurance company in said instance), so I do know the difference.
Third, there's a REALLY good chance, if you're reading this, that I owe you an email right about now. Friends, family members, associates, and several Blasts from the Past have emailed out of nowhere recently with script suggestions, legal advice, friendly hellos and whatall... and I'm sorry for not getting back with you. I assure you, I am getting your notes and I'll try to respond soon.
Fourth, sorry in advance for sounding like a total friggin' prick, but sometimes I find myself answering questions that people email me about what's going on on the Blogger here, rather than a personal email. In all honesty, it's not like I'm so popular that I'm having to ask my mother to refer to my press packet to find out how church went last weekend or anything like that. It's just that some sick, ego-maniacal part of me neglects to address blogger-covered issues and questions that come to me because... well, I don't know why... I suppose it's because, in some subconscious part of my grey matter, I tend to dismiss something that, I feel, I've already dealt with. This extends into every part of my life, by the way. It's pretty sad. "What? What do you mean they're sending us a turn-off notice? I paid that bill months ago! Oh, it's a whole NEW bill now ? Well, sheesh, who can keep up?!"
...
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't exactly been batting them out of the park lately in the script department. My New Year's resolution was "Quantity over Quality" as an ongoing theme this year, so... hopefully, I'll have a lot of scripts with a few gems sprinkled throughout by the time '04 rolls around. I don't know, I think my dialogue may be going a bit stale of late. Well, whatever, the latest title comes from Jessica Kodrich of sunny Southern California: It's All About Me.
Jessica is an associate of mine who may also turn into a client in the near future. And, trust me, you'll never believe what she's offering as payment for my illustration services... because it sure as heck ain't money, Daddy-O, and I'll have a heckuva time explaining it on an income tax form. Let your mind wander as it will.
...
DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR!!!
My good buddy Dave in Winona Lake, IN let me in on some terrific news. The In-N-Out Burger (i.e. the finest fast-food hamburger franchise known to man, ever ever) has a style of burger that's not mentioned on their menus. It's called "Animal Style" and it's a total party in your mouth. "Animal Style" is In-N-Outese for "A delicious burger with every great fixin' you can imagine, including sauteed onions." My goodness, I only wish I were lying, but it's true. Apparently, it's a very closely guarded secret in the In-N-Out community, so don't tell anyone I told you.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Hey, welcome to the In-N-Out! What can I get for you today?
JER: Yeah, hi, uh, I'd like a Double-Double with cheese, a regular fry, and a large iced tea.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Okay! Would you like onions on your Double Double, sir?
JER: Well, do you guys make, ah.... like, do you do... "Animal Style"? Because...
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (suddenly hushed and secretive): "Animal Style"?
JER: Yeah.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Hold on a sec, let me see what I can do...
JER: Okay.
[About 15 seconds pass]
DRIVE-THRU GIRL: Sir? You got it. Animal Style. Please pull ahead to the first window.
JER: Thanks!
[I pull ahead to the first window]
MONEY GUY: Hi there, that'll be $5.12, please.
JER: Here you go...
MONEY GUY: Thanks. Let's see, your order was a Double Double, a regular fry and and iced-- wait. Sir, did you ask for... (hushed) "Animal Style?"
JER: Yes, I did.
MONEY GUY (with a wink and a smiling nod, whispering): Animal Style...!
---
And, indeed, it was as delicious as I'd hoped. More, even. I think I understand why it's a secret, too. If this recipe were to fall into the wrong hands... well... I shudder. Leave it at that. I SHUDDER.
posted by Jeremy Bear at
12:46 PM
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