I'll never order Swedish meatballs again...

Dear Greek lady at the IKEA cafe last night,

I understand if you're unfamiliar with our culture. It's difficult when you've limited English and/or experience in the Ways of the USA. No sweat. Also, your little girl looked very precious and sweet. You must be very proud.

Anyhow, the research I've heard supports the idea of breast-feeding: it's healthy, natural, and good for your developing child's sense of security. However, please don't do it in front of me while I'm trying to eat. And if you absolutely must, I'd appreciate it if you made at least some sort of effort to cover both your suckling child and your lactating teat during the feeding with a blanket or any other material that allows you to retain your dignity and me to retain my dinner.

All the best,

Jeremy Bear

...


So it seems the ants have been replaced with fleas. It's so disgusting, I'm not sure what to do and Carey is beside herself. To combat the problem, Gilbert and Calliope were given the most miserable experience of their lives: a flea bath.

JAY LENO: You're gonna wash the cat. Oh, good idea, sir.

JER: Well, I don't know if you've ever tried to hold a cat under a faucet.

JAY LENO: Doesn't really work, does it?

No, Jay. It doesn't.

I don't think I've ever had two animals so angry at me. Murder... MURDER, I TELL YOU was in their little eyes. Hopefully we've seen the last of the problem. Yicko.
...

A joke I made up recently:

Shamus O'Brian, being a good Irish Catholic, goes to confession. He sits down and the priest asks him: "Been awhile, Shamus, lad. What've ye to confess?"

"Well," says he, "I'll tell ye, Father, I haven't been as true to me wife, Mary, as I shoulda. 'Bout a year back, I met a fine wee lass by the name o' Erin O'Connell. Drunk on Guiness I was, and I decided to have me wicked way wi' her. 'No,' she said, 'not n'less ye marry me.' So marry her I did and it's been going on all the while, unbeknownst to either bride."

"It's a terrible sin ye've committed," says the priest.

"It gets worse," says Shamus. "Six months back, I met another lass, nearly as fine as the other. Beth was her name and curses if I hadn't had a pint too many upon meetin' her. 'No hanky panky n'less we're married first,' says she, just like the other. So, marry her I did, unbeknowst to Erin, unbeknownst to Mary."

The priest shakes his head and tells him, "ye've got to rectify these matters, son. A man can't have three wives, it's unlawful and unnatural!"

"Well, Father, I agree, which is why I came clean with Beth just yesterday. Angry she was, but it's a terrific weight offa me conscience," says Shamus, with a grin.

This upsets the priest, who knows injustice when he hears it. "Not nearly good enough, Shamus!" he says. "You're a scoundrel! Ye've still got two wives, it'll take much more than that to right what's been wronged!"

"Why?" asks Shamus. "I had three wives and now I've only two. I thought that was big o' me."


Yeesh. Not exactly worth the payoff, was it? Guess I'll keep my day job.