How I, Quite Literally, Rocked the Vote

Do not, under any circumstances, read this post.

No, seriously, you'll be much happier if you just skip this entry altogether. Way way more information than you'll ever desire follows. I mean it.

Seriously.

So, funny thing with kidney stones, you almost never get to choose for yourself when they'll be passed. Actually, I've found that if you're concentrating on it, it never happens. It's that first time that you completely zone out in the middle of a good, long pee that... *ZING*!

This morning, I woke up, did my business and, midway through... *ZIN--*

Apparently, it was "time", but only sorta.

The trouble is, when a kidney stone decides it's ready to leave, it just assumes that there'll be enough urine behind it to complete its journey. It doesn't bother to consider the possibility that said urine is in limited supply and could very well run out mid-trip.

I really couldn't believe it: there was a kidney stone lodged midway down my penis.

If you're not familiar with the anatomy of a kidney stone, allow me to paint a picture: these things are not smooth, microscopic pebbles that slide out of one's system with ease. Rather, they're sharp, hard, oblong and irregular beasties that tend to irritate and tear soft tissue. They've literally broken off from a calcium deposit in one's kidney, so they're much more akin to a little glass shard (or a big glass shard... my biggest was the size of a quarter) than a Tic-Tac.

Unfortunately, there was very little I could do about it, other than drink glass after glass of water like a fiend. (Carey suggested I try masturbating, but no way, no how, nothin' doin'. That would be suicide.) Anyhow, it was time to go to work and, before work, I needed to hit the polls.

So, in what may be the single greatest display of patriotism in the history of our great nation, I fought through an intensely personal pain and voted in the 2004 General Election with a kidney stone lodged in my penis.

As I type this, the votes are being tablulated across the country, so I have no idea who won. But I'm content in the knowledge that my sacrifice was not in vain.

Also, about an hour later, I purged the stone into the office urinal. Thank God that's over.

No worries, I'm sure I'll have another one worked up in time for Decision 2008.