Billion Dollar Idea

Here's what's so fantastic about the United States: a single, innovative idea can mean lifelong financial security. One day, someone fairly bright sat down and thought, "I'll bet pressurized steam could haul more cargo than any horse," or "screw candles, how about electrocuting a teeny bit of wire?" or "what if the information on every computer in the world could be shared... for free?"

Or, if your name happens to be Simon Cowell: "what would the World's Largest Talent Show look like if the winner walked home with $1 million and a record deal? I'll bet audiences might be interested if they were the ones voting on the outcome."

But, I don't know, hooray for Fantasia Barrino, the only American Idol contestant that didn't make me want to drive a rake into my face. You have to hand it to Fox (and Simon Cowell), though: they milked two whole hours out of the phrase "...and the winner is..." last night and, as I understand it, walked away with hundreds of millions in advertising dollars. Good $how, American Idol.

And it got me thinkin'. One Big Idea. That's really all it takes. One Billion Dollar Idea. Is there a thought in my head that's worth a billion? I kind of doubt it, but I'll work on it.

(I asked a coworker the same question and he said "absolutely! I've had this idea for awhile: what about really, really small potato chips, no bigger than quarters? Except they're square-shaped and their packaging has all this high-tech, circuit boardish, computer-looking, designy stuff on it. I'd call them Micro-Chips! People would buy them like crazy because they'll think it's healthier to eat a smaller potato chip! It can't miss!"

"Jeez, Chad," I told him, "that's actually pretty good.")
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So, I have a Solitaire game on my cellphone. It must be a particularly hard version of Solitaire because I've only managed to beat it twice.

As a bit of a bonus, the game rewards the winner by promptly cutting off all power to the phone.

("You've Won!"

* FZZT *)
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I've been keeping this blog for nearly two years and, frankly, no one is more amazed than I am that I've managed to hang with it. I'm not exactly famous for sticking to many of my long-term creative endeavors, but for some reason I've persevered.

Yeah, it's geeky and more than a little narcissistic, but publishing my life's minutiae into the ether has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. Sad, I guess, but it's terribly satisfying to know that I've kept at it and that people are reading from time to time.

So, thanks. It makes me really happy to know that you care enough to tune in.

By the way, odd as it may sound, I have lost a good bit of sleep over this thing over the past couple of years. I think some, family in particular, are under the impression that I give little thought to who I'm embarrassing or offending or how much character and integrity I demonstrate to the world. The fact is, many (most probably) of the people I love and respect live thousands of miles away and this little journal is my primary communication with them.

When I was first starting out with this lil' Blogger, I can remember being a little nervous about which 'me' I should portray. I soon realized that I simply wouldn't have the stamina to continue pumping out entries unless I committed myself to baring everything, warts and all. From family news to career hurdles to metaphysical meanderings to comic book recommendations, I decided to be painfully, annoyingly authentic. I'm not a joyful person. I'm not an angry person. I'm a joyful, angry, excited, scared, eager, confident, insecure, shallow, thoughtful, rude, empathetic, sorrowful, elated person. And I think that's the person I portray.

Speaking frankly here, I am embarrassed and ashamed of some of the content. Even with an audience as meager as mine, I've been asked to remove certain entries or, at the very least, edit them. In some cases I've done it, but not usually. I know how obnoxious I sound and I know that swearing can be vile and offensive. For what it's worth, I do a bit of self-censoring. But I just don't have any interest in keeping my thoughts or experiences rated G. And anyway, I've expressed some of my self-censoring concerns to other, less conservative friends who've said, "I dunno, dude. You're pretty tame. I wouldn't sweat it." So who's to say?

Okay, enough with all that. Cripes, what a load of self-serving tripe! At last count, I've typed roughly 120,000 words into this cursed thing. Nearly 170 entries. Who'd have thought I'd have this much to jabber about?

Happy! Birthday! Pat!

For some reason, I end up devoting a lot of ink here on JeremyBear.com to everyone's favorite father's wife, Pat Bear. But today's a beeg, beeg day for her, Señor... for today, bless her, Pat is 50 years old.

50.

Oh, you read that right.

Today Pat takes a look back, sitcom-montage-nostalgia-style, and recounts the many life lessons that have taken her to where she is today. The laughter, the tears, the peaks and troughs. Who can forget the Mishap with Pat's First Car? Or the ever-madcap Pat's Senior Prom? Remember when Pat was convinced that she had an identical twin brother in Jersey? Or the hilarity that ensued when Pat was stuck in an elevator with Julio Iglesias?

Don't miss out on a single, heart-warming moment in the ongoing saga of this inconceivably outrageous woman. Pick up the phone and wish her a happy Golden Anniversary today and receive, in return, a friendship that will last a lifetime! Operators are standing by.

Happy 50th, Pat! Here's hoping for another 50, God help you!

How to Blow Your Cash on Popular Media

We've been going wild with DVD Impulse Purchases lately. Several months back, we bought an entertainment center at IKEA and, seeing as how our DVD collection was beginning to get a bit unwieldly, we bought a huge lot of storage containers exclusively for them. ("Do we really need this many, Care? We don't have nearly enough DVDs to begin to fill these things."

"We have a lot. It'll be full in no time."

"Maybe by the time DVD technology is out of date. Sheesh.")

Anyhow, they're full. So onto Plan B.

A friend of mine recently alerted me to the fact that the price of going to out to the movies on a Friday night (adding in a drink and a bit of popcorn) is roughly the price of a DVD. For that reason, he and his wife have decided to forego movies in theaters and wait for the DVD release. When I asked him how he could buy a movie, sight-unseen, he said, essentially, "it makes about as much sense as buying a movie ticket sight-unseen. Besides, if we like it we can watch it again and if we don't we can either give it away or sell it."

Behold the birth of the DVD Impulse Purchase.

The rules of the DVD Impulse Purchase are as follows:
- You cannot have seen the material in question before buying the DVD. Seeing "The Sound of Music" in the store and saying "ooh, I loved that movie. I'm just going to buy it right now!" might be an impulsive purchase... but it isn't an Impulse Purchase.
- Your spouse is obligated to be supportive of the Impulse Purchase.
- An Impulse Purchase is not a waste of money. You may hate the DVD after you've seen it, but part of what you're buying is the experience of not knowing what it is you've invested in. It's a warped form of excitement, particularly if you lead a boring life.
- Impulse Purchases can, to a certain extent, be planned. (i.e. "let's not rent that movie tonight. It would make for a much better Impulse Purchase.")

As for the DVDs themselves, here are a few recent gems we've bought on Impulse...

The Office (series 1 and 2) - mentioned this in a previous post, but this was the King of Impulse Purchases. A terrific show with one of the best series finales I've ever seen. Good stuff.

The Fog of War - a Carey suggestion. It's an Oscar-winning documentary on Robert McNamara (U.S Secretary of Defense during the Cuban Missile Crisis and the first half of the Vietnam War). Astonishing insights. A very very important film that asks "so what have we learned?" and I truly believe every American should see it.

The Work of Directors Spike Jonze, Chris Cunningham, & Michel Gondry - it's only recently that I've paid serious attention to the art and craft of music videos. Both Jonze and Gondry have done some brilliant feature film work, but it's here that they truly innovate. Some incredible art-for-art's-sake and I loved every minute of each. Amazingly cool.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: The First Season - We've only watched the first three episodes, so we're still formulating our opinions. So far, it's hit-or-miss. It's an HBO sit-com from the co-creator of Seinfeld that's certainly very funny, but we'll have to see if it can live up to its reputation.

I'm sure there are others coming, but maybe it's time to heed the principals of frugality.

Then again, it's DVD. I mean come on.

"FUCK CLOS"

I know. Vulgar, huh? But what does it mean? Who's "CLOS"? And who'd develop such a fiercely sexual appetite for him (or her)?

These are the questions I had to ask myself when I discovered those words spray-painted on the side of our building yesterday morning. It's really, really frustrating - we'd just like to live somewhere moderately nice and affordable. We'd like to look at our decision to buy a condo as an investment and shit like this pulls down the value of our property immeasurably.
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Because my last post seems to have caused some degree of grief amidst my family, I'll follow it up with a clarification: Erin's big news was, indeed, the thing with her students and the standardized tests. It is great and it is a big deal. She's not pregnant. My dad is happy for her and he wanted to share the joy with me and others.

I'm the retard who misinterprets and knocks things out of their proper perspective.
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Cripes, there's absolutely nothing that's changed about my homepage in months. Must remember to update that.
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Carey and I have been in hysterics for the last several days over an impulse-purchase set of DVDs. We snagged them over the weekend: the complete 1st and 2nd series of The Office, a British mockumentary-style sitcom that originally aired on the BBC. Critics have called it the funniest thing to come out of the UK since Monty Python. And, boy, is it. Every scene of every episode is pee-pee hilarious.

It is a bit jarring to see what's considered kosher on network television in Europe, though. Don't get me wrong, it's all very very funny, but it's also pretty bawdy. If you think NBC crosses the line, baby, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Give it 8 or 10 years, though, and I'm sure we'll be right on their heels.

28 Candles

It's, you know, my birthday and I guess that makes 28. I celebrated by going to work and doing some concept sketches, along with a little Flash development research. Oh you can't stop this Party Monster, so don't even try.

To be fair, Carey treated me to a very nice dinner out where I enjoyed a delicious filet mignon and a little wine. Not bad at all.
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Just what in flaming hades is going on?!

A weekend voicemail from my dad:

"Hey, Jer. Just wanted to call and tell you to... well... call your sister Erin, put it that way. She's got really, really big... well... heheh... listen, I won't spill the beans, she should be the one to... heheh... just, uh, give her a call. I'll leave it at that. She should be the one to tell you. Big stuff. Anyway, bye."

So, jeepers, on Monday I gave Erin a call and asked her what the fuss is about.

ME: Hey, Er, what's the big news? Dad said you had some big beans to spill.

ERIN: Aoh, Dad... why does he do this? It's really not a big deal. You know how he gets excited about things.

ME: Oh. Well, what is it?

ERIN: It's... okay, on Friday I got a call. Apparently, my students scored in the 78th percentile on their standardized tests. It's the highest our school has ever gotten, so it's a really big thing for our class.

ME: Hey hey! Congratulations! Are you... getting recognized for this?

ERIN: Yeah, I get a $500 bonus, so that's nice.

ME: Well, that's great. You should be proud.

ERIN: Yeah, you know. It's good. Not a life-changing thing or anything, but still good. Dad gave Lauren the same call and she assumed I was pregnant or something. Is that what you thought?

ME: I dunno, I dunno. It just sounded big.

ERIN: Yeah.

ME: Still, though, that's great.

ERIN: Aoh, Dad...

This morning, Dad gave me a Happy Birthday call. The subject of Erin's News came up.

DAD: So, did she tell you the news?

ME: Erin? Yeah, Pop, she didn't really seem to think it was a big deal.

DAD: She didn't?

ME: No. I mean, yeah, it's cool, but...

DAD: Well... what did she tell you?

ME: What do you mean? She told me her big news.

DAD: And... what... was that?

ME: What was her big news?

DAD: Yeah. I mean, which thing did she, uh...?

ME: There's more than one piece of big news?

DAD: I just... want to make sure we're talking about the same thing. What did she say?

ME: Well, you know, Dad, her students did really well on the standardized tests. I told her 'congratulations.'

DAD: Okay.

ME: Isn't that it?

DAD: Yup. That's it. It's a pretty big deal.

ME: ...Yeah...

DAD: ...

ME: ...

So? WHAT THE BEJEEZUS IS THAT?!
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And, from the mailbox, a much-adored letter from my good friend Jeff Rockwood:

Hey Dude, I just read about your Trigger Man painting. Nice going dude!!! I trust that isn't another of your many blogger jokes, such as Pat's valuable tumors. I'm impressed with her e-bay results. I sold my toes (all 9 of them) on e-bay an only got $20 a toe. But, I pulled my toe nails off before I shipped my toes and sold those separately, and I got $340 per toe nail! Who would have thought? Needless to say, I don't play soccer any more. I needed the money. -RockwooD-

$340 per toe? Hey, it's more than I'd pay, but that's the market for you. A little quick math tells me you just cleared $3,240, brother! Congratulations! I'd give up soccer for three grand, in a heartbeat!

Madeleine L'Engle

When I was a lad of nine or so, I was selected to be in my elementary school's "gifted program" (called SPARKS... I think it was an acronym for something, but damned if I remember). It was nice, I'll admit, to read and discuss books that were a bit more challenging than the typical See-Spot-Run fare that we were forced to digest in our regular classrooms. The book I remember most from that program was Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time. It was a good book. Strange and fantastical enough to keep me interested... difficult enough to be rewarding.

Years later, I found out that Ms. L'Engle is a Christian. I was puzzled and delighted that a Christian writer could find success writing about magic and spirits and witches and mediums without portraying them as ghoulish and satanic. A high school poetry teacher, Mr. Mischeff, lent me his copy of her non-fiction ruminations called Reflections on Faith and Art.

I thanked him graciously, but never read it. After all, it was probably some of the same old tripe: "How to glorify God with your art." or "Rather than drawing things that you enjoy drawing - like hot girls and angry guys with guns and Batman - how about a beautiful mural for your church that celebrates nature and beauty and the Price Jesus Paid for all of us on The Cross?" or "Paint a picture that reminds you of how wonderful and secure you feel, enveloped in the arms of your Creator!" or "Sell your art and donate the proceeds to charity." Nothing wrong with those things, but the idea of forcing myself to consider my own Christianity while doing the thing that I loved most - drawing - took some of the fun and spontaneity out of it.

Last night, while channel-surfing, I noticed that A Wrinkle in Time was playing on ABC as a television movie. It took about 30 seconds to discover that the production quality was poor enough for me to tune into Taxi Driver on cable instead. And this morning, I found an interview with Madeline L'Engle on the MSNBC website. I've reprinted it below, because these things seem to disappear from news sites after several days.

I'm not sure what I think of this old gal or what I think of her version of Chritianity. She seems to be pretty sensible, though, and I hope I'm half as sharp as she when I'm 85. (By the way, Mr. Mischeff's book is still on my shelf, ten years later. Maybe I should read it after all.)

May 7 - On Monday, ABC will air the first movie version of Madeleine L’Engle’s classic book, “A Wrinkle in Time,’’ which was originally published in 1962 by Farrar, Straus & Giroux. According to the author’s family, the project—in various incarnations—was 25 years in the making. L’Engle is 85 now and has published more than 50 books, including several volumes of reflections on faith. In a rare interview held in the apartment on Manhattan's West End Avenue where she has lived for decades, L’Engle talked to NEWSWEEK’s Melinda Henneberger about her God, her work and her competition. NEWSWEEK: So you’ve seen the movie? Madeleine L’Engle: I’ve glimpsed it. And did it meet expectations? Oh, yes. I expected it to be bad, and it is. What are you working on at the moment? A book about aging: enjoy it, you might as well. And it’s not all bad. I can say what I want, and I don’t get punished for it. Such as? Such as I sometimes think God is a s--t—and he wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. He’s much more interesting when he’s a s--t. So to you, faith is not a comfort? Good heavens, no. It’s a challenge: I dare you to believe in God. I dare you to think [our existence] wasn’t an accident. Many people see faith as anti-intellectual. Then they’re not very bright. It takes a lot of intellect to have faith, which is why so many people only have religiosity. Have you read the Harry Potter books? I read one of them. It’s a nice story but there’s nothing underneath it. I don’t want to be bothered with stuff where there’s nothing underneath. Some people say, “Why do you read the Bible?’’ I say, "Because there’s a lot of stuff underneath." I ask about the Potter books because, like “Wrinkle,” they have Christian themes yet have been criticized by some Christians, for similar reasons. Well, the Fundalets [fundamentalist Christians] want a closed system, and I want an open system. What were the specific objections to “Wrinkle?’’ Oh, the Happy Medium, that terrified them. And Mrs. Which, who is not a witch at all but a wise old woman. I felt like I was really “in’’ because people were condemning it right away. But they were Christians, mostly, and that made me very sad. Because “Wrinkle’’ is a Christian story, isn’t it? So is "Winnie the Pooh." Is King Arthur a Christian story? Yes … One reason I stay in the Episcopal Church I was born in is it’s got the best language. You know Andrew Greeley’s argument that a lot of people stay Catholic for the poetry? If you want the poetry, the Episcopal Church is better. It has the great writers of the 17th century. You’re such a prolific writer; what’s your routine? I just write whenever I can, catch as catch can. I get too nasty if I don’t get enough time to write, so I have to take it. Like a runner denied his runner’s high. So what are you reading these days? I just read “The Da Vinci Code," which had some fascinating things in it. I liked that whole central section about Christianity when it postulates that Jesus was a very strong character and that he and Mary Magdalene were lovers and had a child. So you don’t avoid best sellers on principle? I usually let them hang around for at least six months, and if they’re still there, then I’ll read them. I’m reading a book on mathematics, too. I usually try to read two books at a time, one for fun and one to educate myself. “The Da Vinci Code” is fun. Did you see there are several books coming out refuting “The Da Vinci Code”? That’s silly. It takes too much energy to be against something unless it’s really important. Now if you’re against evolution, that’s important. What are you against? Narrow-mindedness. I’m against people taking the Bible absolutely literally, rather than letting some of it be real fantasy, like Jonah. You know, the whole story of David is a novel … Faith is best expressed in story. If the Bible is not literally true, does that mean we don’t need to take it seriously? Oh no, you do, because it’s truth, not fact, and you have to take truth seriously even when it expands beyond the facts. So when you call the Bible a book of stories, you’re not diminishing it? Anything but. Right from the beginning, from the story of Eve. Eve has gone on to be considered far worse than she is in the direct Bible story—and David far better. I love the story of Jonah; I think it’s very funny. And I like the story of Esther, as long as you stop about a quarter of the way through, before she turns into a real bloody girl. I always felt sorry for Vashti, though—the first Mrs. Ahasuerus. All she did was refuse to dance. Yes, she gets forgotten. But that was a very big thing she did, refuse to dance. Enormous. A couple of the characters in “Wrinkle," have what you call a “compulsion’’ to do something, for reasons they can’t explain. Do you think we’re all a little psychic in that way? Oh, yes. Society has taught us to repress it, but it’s there. “Wrinkle’’ was rejected repeatedly before it was published. Were you confident then you’d have a breakthrough? No, there was a period when I thought I never would. But I kept on writing because that’s what I had to do. I was compelled not to stop. © 2004 Newsweek, Inc.

Summa Cum Carey

It's official and it's a done deal. Carey's completed her first Interior Design course (Drafting) and she managed an A+. She has, thusfar, a 4.0 average. Way to go, wife. It's a heckuva lot better than I was able to manage when I took Drafting. Now get some sleep.
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So, let's see... I'm very very behind in my blogging, so I won't bother getting into the debacle with our kitchen plumbing. Under any other circumstances, I'd consider a parade of plumbers, a rusted-out pipe, an obnoxious leak and the destruction of our brand new laminate floors big news. But, again, I'm behind. So, there.
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Received many out-of-the blue emails from long-losts in the past few weeks (most of which I've totally neglected... gnngh). Strange, these things always seem to happen in waves. And not just emails, but suggest-a-script title suggestions. It's been so long since I've been regularly on that bandwagon, it almost feels like another life. But, I should get back on. Many of the suggestions, I already have ideas worked out for them. It's just, you know. Time. As in I have none.
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Opened the mail a couple of weeks ago to discover an invitation to the 10-year high school reunion this October. Cripes, 10 years.

"Jer it's great to see you! It's been, what, ten years? Look at you: pale, drably dressed, quirky and distracted! I guess some things never change, huh?"

"No, see, I'm fat now!"

Well, it may be the perfect excuse to go home and reconnect with some loved ones, though. Specifically, some very dear, old friends of mine are now parents and I really need an excuse to meet their wee one. And, of course, there's my family too. And our old church. And...

And, sod it, maybe I should just buy the plane ticket.
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Yeah, I'm still sugar-free. Honestly, I'm amazed I've hung on like this. I thought the difficulty of a no-sugar diet would be over and done with and I could just coast at this point, but, man, it's still tough. I find myself buying sugar-free gum by the truckloads any more.

At least I'm not quite as jittery these days. And my breath is minty-fresh! Huzzah!
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Pat is recovering nicely, by the way. Last I talked with her, she was still feeling fairly lousy, but her spirits were high (not that I've ever known her spirits to be otherwise). And, best of all, neither she nor my father was angry at me for my little fake-eBay page stunt from the previous post.

Good thing, too. If we can't laugh at the pain of others, what else is there?
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Uh. So. Friends is officially over. (Ross and Rachel are finally together! Phew!)
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Got a chance to see Future Tactics: The Uprising and Trigger Man (the Playstation covers I did) in gigantoid-poster form the other day, which was cool/horrifying. I don't think I've ever seen a piece of my artwork blown up to such epic proportions before. Interesting, I suppose, but ye gods! if every single awkward line and misstep in those things weren't huge and on display for the world to see.

"Huh. You know, I don't think I've noticed that before, Jer. What's that weird blotch below that guy's elbow? The big, hairy thing that looks like you made a mistake?"

"Oh, that. It's a mistake."

And it was on the gigantoid poster that my boss finally noticed that I'd hidden my name in the artwork. He put on a smile, but I could tell he was wincing a bit.

Oop.