Totally self-indulgent Oscars post

Because you're the kind of person who reads blogs and because What Else Have I Got Going On?, screw it, I've decided to weigh in on this year's Oscars. Feel free to laugh at how wrong and silly my opinions are, come tomorrow night.

And the Nominees are...

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx - RAY

I think there’s really only one dead lock in this year’s Oscars (well, two if you count “Best Animated Feature”), and that’s Jamie Foxx winning Best Actor. I haven’t seen Ray, but I’m told he earned it. Whatever. Congratulations, Jamie. I’m secretly rooting for DiCaprio, but… ain’t gonna happen.

Oh, and the wife and I finally caught Million Dollar Baby. Let me tell ya: Clint Eastwood’s acting nomination is a joke. He was the weak point of the movie. Unfortunately, he’s Clint Eastwood, so let’s trot him out for every award possible.

And anyhow, where the heck was Jon Heder’s nomination for Napoleon Dynamite? I’m not kidding here. That kid was amazing.


ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen – CLOSER

I really like all these guys, but nobody delivered the slam dunk like Alan Alda and Morgan Freeman. Two great American actors and it’s a shame at least one of them has to lose. In the end, I’ll vote for Morgan.


ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

I’m sure Hilary Swank will walk home with this one, and that’s a shame. I’d much rather see Kate Winslet win. Eternal Sunshine came out in February, so it’s a wonder it was remembered at all. It should have been in the Best Picture category. Ach. Go Kate.


ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman – CLOSER

I think I might be the only person in the world that wasn’t all that impressed with Cate Blanchett’s version of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. She seemed to be acting like someone making fun of Hepburn, rather than paying her tribute.

Give this to Natalie Portman, man. Didn’t see Closer, but Mike Nichols tends to pull the very best out of his actors and if her performance in Garden State was any indicator, Natalie’s a superstar.


ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

THE INCREDIBLES
SHARK TALE
SHREK 2

Please.


ART DIRECTION

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

The Aviator was absolutely gorgeous, so that’s my pick. I have the feeling that I might have said otherwise if I’d taken the time to see A Very Long Engagement, though.


CINEMATOGRAPHY

THE AVIATOR
HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

I’ve always been slightly foggy on the differences between Art Direction and Cinematography. I think Art Direction has something to do with how pretty a picture is painted in each frame of film and Cinematography has something to so with how beautifully those frames move and behave. Maybe not, but it sounds good to me.

I’m predicting that no one will want to touch the Passion hot potato, which is ridiculous. Passion’s my vote.


COSTUME DESIGN

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
RAY
TROY

Man, I really have no idea. I have a sneaking suspicion that Finding Neverland will do well here tomorrow, but I’m sticking with The Aviator


DIRECTING

THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE

No question, without a doubt, end of story. Martin Scorcese has never won a directing Oscar, and that’s a crime. It should be all his for The Aviator. Beautiful work.


DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH

I’ve only seen Super-Size Me and that was enough. Brilliant documentary and if you’re reading this you really need to go rent it.


DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT

AUTISM IS A WORLD
THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY
HARDWOOD
MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN'S MARCH
SISTER ROSE'S PASSION

I’ve no idea whatsoever. Short Subject Doc winners tend to be about afflicted people and discarded children, so… uh, the autism one seems to be a nice mix of both. Let’s do that.


FILM EDITING

THE AVIATOR
COLLATERAL
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY

All nicely edited films. Collateral’s editing kept everything good and tense, but Million Dollar Baby did the impossible and cut together something as messy as boxing matches, which is no easy feat. In the end though, there was not one dull moment in the expertly-paced Aviator, so that’s my pick.


FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
THE CHORUS
DOWNFALL
THE SEA INSIDE
YESTERDAY

Uh.


MAKEUP

LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE SEA INSIDE

Give it to The Passion, man. It must be a good job if, when you’re watching a film like that, you have to keep reminding yourself it’s only makeup. Astonishing work.


MUSIC (SCORE)

FINDING NEVERLAND
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE VILLAGE

See, I never know with this category. Being musically retarded, I can’t gauge what’s great and what’s crap. They say, if it’s good, you shouldn’t notice it’s there. Apparently this also holds for bad music, because I just never notice.

That said, the music must’ve been pretty captivating if a film told exclusively in Aramaic held me in rapt attention. Again, I vote Passion.


MUSIC (SONG)

"Accidentally In Love" - SHREK 2
"Al Otro Lado Del Río" - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Believe" - THE POLAR EXPRESS
"Learn To Be Lonely" - THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
"Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)" - THE CHORUS

Ug.

Just don’t give it to that Polar Express steaming turd and I’ll be happy.


SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

BIRTHDAY BOY
GOPHER BROKE
GUARD DOG
LORENZO
RYAN

No idea, man, haven’t seen any of them. But Gopher Broke – ha! That’s clever! Get it? “Gopher Broke?” Like “Go-Fer-Broke?” See? Get it? Get it?


SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST
LITTLE TERRORIST
7:35 IN THE MORNING
TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT
WASP

Again, no idea. I vote WASP because I, uh, am one.


SOUND EDITING

THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
SPIDER-MAN 2

Incredibles! Incredibles! Incredibles!


SOUND MIXING

THE AVIATOR
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RAY
SPIDER-MAN 2

Incredibles! Go! INCREDIBLES!


VISUAL EFFECTS

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I, ROBOT
SPIDER-MAN 2

Probably the only category where I’ve genuinely seen every nominee. That said, these are all great choices. In the end, though, the gryphon in Harry Potter was probably the most convincing piece of CG I’ve ever seen.


WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

BEFORE SUNSET
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
SIDEWAYS

Have to go with Sideways. Alexander Payne is one of the finest talents working today. Not only does this film get my vote, I think it’ll win tomorrow as well.


WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

THE AVIATOR
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
HOTEL RWANDA
THE INCREDIBLES
VERA DRAKE

As much as I hate to vote against The Incredibles for any reason, Charlie Kaufman’s sublime Eternal Sunshine script deserves to win. In my opinion, it’s not just one of the great scripts of 2004, but one of the great scripts in film history.


BEST PICTURE

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS

For the big kahuna, I’m confident the Academy will agree: this one belongs to The Aviator. Brilliant acting, direction, scripting, effects, pacing… it’s rare that so complete a package is presented in one film. I have no doubt that film schools will be studying this thing long after its producers are dead and gone.

But I have to say it: 2004’s greatest film wasn’t included on the list. Tough luck, Incredibles. You’d have gotten my vote anyhow.

So, I dunno. I guess we’ll see. I know I’ll be tuning in. If nothing else, it’s worth it to hear who gets the biggest applause during the “Who Died Last Year” montage.