Any med for your girl to be happy!

A few people dropped me a note to encourage me to keep blogging and it's nice to have me back. So thanks. It's good to be in the habit again.

And a few of those few people were inspired enough by my list of 69 weird things a few posts back to come up with their own. Lauren, nervy girl, even posted hers. (I'll warn you though, one or two of them are items I'd have preferred not to know. Honestly, Laur... the balance beam? Your journey into womanhood began on the balance beam?)

So Ferguson, who is not quite so easy to impress and demands nothing less than my firstfruits and best efforts (and came up with 69 of her own items in less than two hours... let me assure you... this chick is straight-up freaky), laid down the gauntlet: 69 more items, bucko-me-lad, but this time do pet peeves.

We're all friends here, right? All judgements aside, here they are. 69 pet peeves from yours truly, snotty-style:

Misuse of the word "literally". As David Cross pointed out in a comedy bit, you can't kinda f#%* that one up. You either get it right or you're someone who's asking for ridicule. ("I literally lost my mind when she said that!" Really, buddy? Your brain fell out of your ear and into a gutter when she said that? Literally?) Prescription drug companies that advertise on television. Thin people that complain about their weight. Especially when they complain to overweight people. MySpace. Pro-life ads that show eviscerated fetuses. System Of A Down. Also, The Cure. Also, Blues Traveller. 99% of reality television. ("We've gathered 20 professional knitters from all over the country. At the end of this 15 week interview, only one will remain. Who will be... the Ultimate Knitter?") Hummers. (Er. The ones people drive.) "Well, college isn't for everyone." Spam and fax marketing and telemarketing. I know, big surprise. (Mind you, I love telemarketers, I just hate what they do. I have no problem probing into their lives for hours on end.) The guys that walk up to your table to sell you a rose while you're out with a lady you're trying to impress. The "C" word. Political campaign commercials that try to win you over by appealing to your hatred of rich people. Parents that address their children's maniac behavior in public by giving them sugar and caffeine. Every James Bond movie of the last 20 years. Cross-walkers that refuse to hurry the hell up when they're halfway across the street, the Don't Walk sign is lit, and you're sitting in your car with a green light. 5MB+ email attachments. "Rad". Comic book geeks that live up to the stereotype of comic book geeks. Pointing to your own ignorance as evidence of God's perfection. "Only God knows the answer to that one and I don't think like God does, so I'll never know and I ain't gonna waste my time tryin'! But I guess thats what makes God awesome!" Overweight, obnoxious, hawaiian shirt-wearing morning DJs. Fraternities and sororities. "Could you draw this for me? Seriously, it'll take you five minutes." People that have deluded themselves into thinking that the guy that asks you for spare change outside the post office is making a pretty decent living and you're the sucker for giving him a dollar. Child beauty pageants. Okay, all beauty pageants. Passing around a church offering plate during a church service, when an offering box at the back is perfectly acceptable, legitimate and far less alienating. People that talk about their drug-using days with smug, condescending regret. The lottery. Bullshit business-speak. ("If you've got bandwidth in the AM, let's schedule some face-time. Bob's pitch yesterday had some legs, so let's let this gel and germinate, kick things around offline with Ted's team, if you need. On Friday, come armed with your thoughts. Let's swing for the fences on this one, people. Rock and roll.") Kevin Smith movies. Cooper, Comic-Sans and Impact. People that charge money for their autograph. Guys that look for excuses to go shirtless. 5:15 meetings. Customer service professionals that can't speak English. The recent national obsession with Orange County. I work in Orange County. A number of my friends and associates live there. A nice place, but it really isn't Shangri-La. Valet parking. Junk mail disguised as bills. Aaron Spelling and the hold he has on my wife. Povertyicken couples that refuse to use birth control. ("More babies! That's the answer!") "Enlightened" white people that hate white people. Those that insist that a ratings system is censorship. Ads and commercials with not-so-cleverly hidden inside jokes that the audience will never get. Strip clubs. "If there weren't any sport hunting, the animal population would be out of control!" and "When I fish, I always throw 'em back." Parking in Long Beach. Paying the flight attendant extra for snacks and headphones. Cam whores, frankly. The Red Carpet Pre-Show. Family-owned businesses that insist that "family-owned" is both a virtue and a selling point. Republicans that insist that they are a persecuted minority. Democrats that insist that they are a persecuted minority. Cat litter and cat food. Stereotypes that the midwest has about the west coast. And vice versa. The printer ink cartridge scam. Well, you know. Ketchup. High school poetry. "I'm not in a relationship right now, but I feel as if I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to be married." Eating baby animals. BRATZ and other toys/cartoons that teach little girls how to be sexy. The guy in front of me that refuses to turn right on red. Scraping the ice off your windshield on winter mornings. MTV. The guy that tries to sell me a DVD player out of his van every single time I'm putting gas in my car. Out-in-the-open, teats-in-the-wind, public breast-feeding. The overabundance of handicapped parking spots. Michael Moore. Graffiti. "Alcoholism is a disease."