I'll never order Swedish meatballs again...

Dear Greek lady at the IKEA cafe last night,

I understand if you're unfamiliar with our culture. It's difficult when you've limited English and/or experience in the Ways of the USA. No sweat. Also, your little girl looked very precious and sweet. You must be very proud.

Anyhow, the research I've heard supports the idea of breast-feeding: it's healthy, natural, and good for your developing child's sense of security. However, please don't do it in front of me while I'm trying to eat. And if you absolutely must, I'd appreciate it if you made at least some sort of effort to cover both your suckling child and your lactating teat during the feeding with a blanket or any other material that allows you to retain your dignity and me to retain my dinner.

All the best,

Jeremy Bear

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So it seems the ants have been replaced with fleas. It's so disgusting, I'm not sure what to do and Carey is beside herself. To combat the problem, Gilbert and Calliope were given the most miserable experience of their lives: a flea bath.

JAY LENO: You're gonna wash the cat. Oh, good idea, sir.

JER: Well, I don't know if you've ever tried to hold a cat under a faucet.

JAY LENO: Doesn't really work, does it?

No, Jay. It doesn't.

I don't think I've ever had two animals so angry at me. Murder... MURDER, I TELL YOU was in their little eyes. Hopefully we've seen the last of the problem. Yicko.
...

A joke I made up recently:

Shamus O'Brian, being a good Irish Catholic, goes to confession. He sits down and the priest asks him: "Been awhile, Shamus, lad. What've ye to confess?"

"Well," says he, "I'll tell ye, Father, I haven't been as true to me wife, Mary, as I shoulda. 'Bout a year back, I met a fine wee lass by the name o' Erin O'Connell. Drunk on Guiness I was, and I decided to have me wicked way wi' her. 'No,' she said, 'not n'less ye marry me.' So marry her I did and it's been going on all the while, unbeknownst to either bride."

"It's a terrible sin ye've committed," says the priest.

"It gets worse," says Shamus. "Six months back, I met another lass, nearly as fine as the other. Beth was her name and curses if I hadn't had a pint too many upon meetin' her. 'No hanky panky n'less we're married first,' says she, just like the other. So, marry her I did, unbeknowst to Erin, unbeknownst to Mary."

The priest shakes his head and tells him, "ye've got to rectify these matters, son. A man can't have three wives, it's unlawful and unnatural!"

"Well, Father, I agree, which is why I came clean with Beth just yesterday. Angry she was, but it's a terrific weight offa me conscience," says Shamus, with a grin.

This upsets the priest, who knows injustice when he hears it. "Not nearly good enough, Shamus!" he says. "You're a scoundrel! Ye've still got two wives, it'll take much more than that to right what's been wronged!"

"Why?" asks Shamus. "I had three wives and now I've only two. I thought that was big o' me."


Yeesh. Not exactly worth the payoff, was it? Guess I'll keep my day job.

posted by Jeremy Bear 12:40 PM

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Monday, September 29, 2003

Conservative Like Me

I don't think I'd even been in California a whole week before I'd decided to try out a whole new look with long, flowing locks, take-me-as-you-see-me dress, and general scruffiness. In the past year, I've only cut my hair two or three times. I'd done the bleach bit and, later, the black dye bit. Haven't gone in for piercings or tattoos, but I've gotten about as extreme as I prefer to go.

This weekend, though, I decided, "chuck it." I'd grown tired of being That Guy in the office. I hated pushing hair out of my eyes every other minute. I didn't like feeling like a greaseball, should I happen to go all the way to noon without hitting the shower on a Saturday. Yeah, the conservative look isn't quite as unique or interesting, but, dagummit, it's easier.

Anyhow, I chopped all the hair off. Then, I shaved my moustache off (leaving the chin stuff to compensate for my admittedly weak Marilyn Manson-esque chin). Then, I dyed my hair a slightly-lighter beige-ishawberry-blondish. I also went to contact lenses. I even tucked the shirt in this morning for work. Carey was amazed: "oh, wow, it's the Jeremy I started dating in college. That's really weird. You look seven years younger."

So, for the time being, I'm back to Vintange Me. I won't stay here forever, but I felt the need to live in the Land of Boring Grown-Ups for awhile.
...

Happy Birthday +1 to Erin Burtoft, my sister. 26 yesterday and I hope she got my phone message. If not, sorry. But still. But sorry.
...

Picked up Neil Gaiman's new Sandman graphic novel, Endless Nights, on Friday night and had finished it by Saturday afternoon. It's well in the running for my favorite book this year. Beautiful artwork and stirring stories. I'd worried that Gaiman's absence from the Sandman mythos for the past six or seven years would have caused his flavor for the characters to grow a little stale... fortunately, he's as sharp as ever with these seven self-contained tales. Great stuff.

posted by Jeremy Bear 10:09 AM

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