A lot to cover here, so buckle up.

Why is it that I never manage to find time to post when the most interesting stuff is happening? ...Wait. Scratch that. I think that question answers itself.

Onward.
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ITEM! Despite every piece of good, solid, home-grown advice my finance-savvy father ever gave me, I found myself signing on the dotted line last night. I'm now, for the first time ever, the owner of a brand-new car.

Yeah, I said I'd only ever go used. Understand, though, that my so-new-it-almost-squeaks 2003 1.8 litre 180 horsepower turbo Volkswagen Jetta was part of a huge clearance event, so it was actually about as cheap as a two-year-old used car of the same model and options. I truly did get a super deal. I told a salesman at a different dealership about the price I was being offered and he told me that, first of all, he didn't believe it and he'd like to see it in writing, and second of all, I'd be a fool to not go for it (as much as he'd like to sell me something, he admitted that he couldn't begin to compete with that price).

So, I did it. Even with the great-big-hulking deal, it was still a couple of grand more than I'd told myself I was going to spend, but, eh. It's probably the most I've ever loved any car and, damn it, it's mine now.

My car payments are only about 15 bucks more than my last car, after I put down my insurance settlement money, so that's all good. The down side? I'm paying on this thing for 72 months.

Yargh.

Anyhow, I drove home from the dealership last night with the same level of care and paranoia that I experienced as a 16-year-old taking my first driver's test. Carey followed in her Beetle. The dealership was up in Covina, which is quite a haul from Long Beach. Well, we were nearly home, when we stopped at a stoplight, right behind an old, junky Accord. We were on an incline and, wouldn't you know, the nincompoop driving the Accord absently took his foot off the break and he started... to roll... backward.

I blinked. He was slowly rolling right at my new car. I gave a warning honk. He picked up speed. Another honk. He continued. I laid on the horn full blast and--

*KRUNK*

No. F***ing. Way.

I thought it was some sort of ludicrous dream. This retard DID NOT just hit me on my WAY HOME FROM THE DEALERSHIP IN MY NEW CAR, did he? We pulled over to the side and both got out of our cars and looked at each other. Me pissed, him afraid. He was a little Latino guy, no older than 20. I threw up my hands and shoulders.

JER: What happened?!

THE GUY: Did you just hit me?

JER: DID I WHAT???!!!!

THE GUY: Oh, wait, wait, did I hit you?

JER: YOU ROLLED BACKWARDS INTO ME!! YES, YOU HIT ME, ARE YOU KIDDING?!

THE GUY: Ohhhh, I'm so sorry. This is a nice car, too.

JER: It's brand new! I'm just now driving it home from the dealership!

THE GUY: Ohhhhh...!

JER: What were you thinking?!

THE GUY: My car, see, it's a stick, you know?

JER: Yeah...?

THE GUY: I'm just now learning to drive it. I guess I wasn't paying attention...

JER: !!! So practice in a parking lot! This is a NEW CAR.

THE GUY: Is it hurt? Your car, I mean?

JER: Hhhh.... I... let me take a look.

Fortunately, he only tapped me and it didn't even leave so much as a mark. If this had happened in my old Altima, I'd probably have almost laughed. I took his information anyhow. Sheesh. On the way home from the dealership! I ask you!

But, the car is doing well and I'm thrilled to have it. Everyone I know around here who knows cars agrees: it was a good deal.

Plus, now, I can actually, you know, drive places.
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ITEM! Just got over being horridly ill. I've never spewed so much in my wee life. It turned out to be a 24-hr. deal or something, but hoy those 24 hrs! I'm feeling just fine now, though, thanks.
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ITEM! Had a visit from a dear friend from high school, Mr. Matthew Brainard, a couple of weeks back. Matt is an adventurous sort, so he stopped off in L.A. on his way to New Zealand. Why New Zealand? He "heard it was cool over there." Anyhow, we had a terrific time together and he's even written me twice from overseas:

Jacksie, This place is amazing. I dont even know where to start...after a 12 hr flight from LAX, we arrieved at 7:10 am @ auckland. I figured out mae s***, got my bearings, bought a map and packed up for a hike. Rains came, but I loved it. You should see the flowers. The air is clean, windy and strong. The people are the most welcoming I have aver met. Most are artistic in their own Kiwi way. They celebrate life. I already was made a feed by two total strangers (the phattest BLT I've ever seen) They are from years ago residents of Kent, OH and remember Brady's Caffehausen. I tried to photograph them, but my camera laid down on me, so I might be in the market for a replacement. It keeps eating film and will not focus for the f*** of it, or the love of money. I am still adjusting with the sun, as it arcs in the north, and everything else abouot the atmoshpereic conditions is messing with mae maende. I saw two large metoers strike the atmosphere at f=ma while aloft on 38,000 feet of air. They were very beautiful. On my search for a place to sleep and aslo a werthy vehicle I have succeeded in completing one of two tasks today (2out of 3 if you count finding an internet cafe). I have yet to find a place to sleep, but I have managed to secure a werthy vehicle. It is an 84 Ford Laser. It is a quick little ride. Petrol is nealy 2.75 US$ a gal. Fun to tear it up. I bought it for the drive down to the south island. Driving on the left of center is an interesting divergence from normal travel around town. You must always think to look right when crossing the road or else your ass shall be smeared like marmite on toast. It has been a good day. Much love, Matthew

and

Jeaoure, This place reminds me of pictures of Hawaii. There are black sandy beaches and volcano cones, bright flowers and twisty dirt roads. We've nearly burnt the tires off the car we bought, a.k.a. The mutton kicker, The body glove (from a sticker) or the license plate, RT 31. Since I picked up Cooper as I rolled into the aeroporte we have spent 3 nights near the beaches, climbed a bunch of hills, Snowboarded on Mt. Ruapehu (a blown volcano) and done a bit of chaotique driving in RT 31. RT 31 is exactly what we wanted. I rammed a tree today, so now there is a decent dent in the front hood and the grill is missing. we might just throw it over a cliff. Tommorrow we plan to climb Mt. Fyffe and then onto Mt. Manukau near Kaikoura South Island. It is extremely windy here. The Sun burns right through you, as the ozone hole is near the south pole. How are you guys? Matthew

As you can see, Matt has a unique turn of phrase. And dang if he doesn't lead a life 5 times more interesting than the rest of us. Anyhow, Matt will be back in our neck of the woods in a couple of weeks to eat some Thanksgiving leftovers and hang out a little more.

Looking forward to it Matt. Be safe.
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ITEM! Just finished a multimedia project of truly epic proportions for a company called Bitfone. It was, essentially, a ten minute interactive cartoon that shows how their system for updating cellphone firmware works. I've never done a full-fleged cartoon before, but it was a hoot. The main character (whose voice I also supplied) is pictured at the right. His name is Joe.

Ha! A cartoon!
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ITEM! I've had a post lingering in the nethers of Blogger.com for weeks now and I never managed to publish it. If this blog were a DVD, I suppose you could consider the following a 'deleted scene':

Thank God, I can finally hear again.

For the past week or so, I've been developing some sort of... I don't know what it is. Okay, honestly, I have an ongoing problem with excessive ear wax... there, I said it. It's gross and embarrassing and I usually need to have it taken care of by a doctor every couple of years. Medical Hint: don't ever use Q-Tips. It makes the problem worse.

Anyhow, I've had severe wax blockage in my right ear. Since a childhood illness left me permanently deaf in my left ear, this presented a profoundly irritating problem. Carey was convinced she had the solution: ear candles.

Hey, listen, I'm a believer in homeopathic medicine. But I was skeptical when Carey described the process: a paper cone, treated with herbs and beeswax, is inserted into the afflicted ear. The cone is set on fire. As the flames blaze closer and closer to your ear canal, the heat and smoke travel into your head and lift the wax out. The cone is snuffed just before you burn the side of your head. When you look inside its remnants, you'll be amazed at the amount of ear wax residue.

"No, Jer, seriously. It works."

So I tried it. Stuck one of those things in my ear like some ridiculous chimp and set it alight. When the process was over, I looked inside and, sure enough... it was filled with dark, orange wax. Not just filled, but FILLED. A couple of CCs at least. However, my ear was still clogged and I still couldn't hear.

So I tried another.

Same thing again: tons of wax. But I still couldn't hear.

So I did another. And another. And another. And probably about eight of these things, all told. By the end, I looked at all the used ear candles to see what looked like over 10 CCs of wax that had been pulled into these cones. AND YET I STILL COULDN'T HEAR.

Either I was some sort of wax-producing mutant or something was fishy. I told Carey: "let's try an experiment. Light one of these ear candles without putting it in anyone's ear. I just want to see."

"Jer, these are expensive."

"I know, we've bought over ten of them. Come on. It's important to me."

So the ear candle-sans-ear was burned. When it was finished, we looked inside and saw... well, I'm sure you can guess... a load of dark, orange wax. It wasn't ear wax at all. All along, this lousy product had been producing its own wax, fooling people into thinking that it was their own, human ear wax that was being cleansed from their system.

I was furious.

In the end, we went to the drugstore and bought some sort of ear cleaning kit that uses peroxide or something and it seems to have done the trick. But, the lesson was learned: ear candles are a homeopathic scam. Don't be fooled.

Oh, I'll show you where you can cram your lously candles.

Bastards.
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Well, much else has happened, but I suppose I should publish this before it falls into the forgotten annals of JeremyBear.blog.

Labels: dialogue

posted by Jeremy Bear 6:29 PM

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