The Very Best in Christ-Centered, Barely-Legal Adult Entertainment

Sorry, but I had to drop everything and report this link: http://www.xxxchurch.com

Self-billed as "The #1 Christian Porn Site", it's one of the most outrageous spots on the internet. It takes a bit of clicking, but it soon becomes apparent that it's designed to be some ultra-hip, 'Say No to Porn' website for Christian men (or Christian ladies, I suppose, if nekkid pitchers happens to be their particular thorn in the flesh). It's very obviously set up to encourage those addicted to internet booty to turn from their masturbatory ways and lean on Jesus, minus the old-school, prudish finger-wagging (replaced by trendy, hardcore, way-cool finger-wagging, I guess). They've even got a 24-hour crisis line for those in need. Now, don't get me wrong, these folks seem to be providing a very helpful service, but is it just me or are they begging for prank-callers?

It all reminded me of a story that happened a few years ago:

I was complaining to Carey that I felt as if I didn't have enough male friendship in my life. "How can I have some solid Guy Time," I told her, "if Guy Time ususally centers around bars or sporting events? I don't like bars or sports! What am I supposed to do?" She helpfullly pointed me to a note in our church's bulletin: 'Come one, come all to the monthly Men's Breakfast this Saturday for some good fellowship and an enjoyable morning!'

"I dunno, Care. I'm not much of a 'Men's Breakfast' kind of guy."

"See, this is your problem. You have to just go. It'll be fine. I'll bet you'll already know some of the people there from church anyhow. What are you worried about?"

So I went to the breakfast. Everyone was sitting around one of the guys' living room eating pancakes and it was sort of enjoyable. I was definitely the New Guy in the group, which was a bit awkward, but everyone was very welcoming. Then the leader set down his plate and asked everyone, "so, are we ready to start?"

'Start?' Start what? I'd supposed it would be a short devotional or prayer request session. I was just hoping for a little guys-only hang-out time, but whattaya do. But no. HOH no.

The guys started going around the circle, confessing how many times in the past month they'd checked out internet porn. One of them asked for prayer in freeing him of his Masturbation Habit. Gah! Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with forming a group about this stuff, but sheesh, couldn't the church bulletin have been a bit clearer? How about the 'Men's Sex Addiction Breakfast'? Anyhow, I considered speaking up and saying that this really wasn't what I'd originally thought, but I was afraid I'd embarrass some of the guys and, besides, I didn't want to get kicked out. When it came to my turn, I muttered a few non-committal things about how my wife and I tell each other everything and that was it.

The moral, I guess, is "Get the Scoop on Church Functions Beforehand."

And while we're on the subject... hhh... I don't know, I guess I'm not sure why we've clung to this idea that masturbation is sinful and perverse. Oy! the nights I lay in bed awake, guilt-wracked, throughout my teens. I was convinced that My Dirty Secret would lead to my eventual ruin. "Never again... NEVER AGAIN," I whispered into the bedsheets through clenched teeth. What a drama queen. Looking back, that Dirty Secret was probably the only thing that kept me from losing my fricken, dizzied-by-hormones mind.

You know, I really need to stop holding back so much on the ol' blogger. Cripes, Jer.
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Went to the store the other day to pick up some printer paper and boing! There it was on the shelf: Future Tactics: The Uprising. A bit strange to walk into a store to unexpectedly see your own artwork sitting on the shelf. Really satisfying, though.
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Why I Love My Parents

So I happened to be talking to my mother on the cell on the way home from work last week. Wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing when I saw the police lights in the mirror. I told my mom I had to go, but forgot to hang up the phone.

The cop starts in with the "do you know what the posted speed limit is?" and "are you involved in any terrorist activity?" and blah blah blah. I learned early on that arguing your point gets you nowhere with speed-trap cops, but pitiable self-loathing can often score some points.

"No, officer," I said, "it was terrible judgement and irresponsibility on my part. That's way too fast for this neighborhood. I typically pay much better attention to the posted speed limit, but this is certainly a lesson learned."

And blah blah blah.

He let me off with a warning and I thanked him for his leniency. As I pulled away, I noticed that the phone was still running. I picked it up.

"Hello? Mom?"

"I can't believe he let you go with a warning after that bullshit."

That's my mom!

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A recent conversation with Dad...

DAD: Hey, Jer, when's the last time you checked your email? I sent you something really good a couple of days ago.

JER: Oh yeah? What was it?

DAD: It was a Forward.

JER: Ah. Yeah, I don't usually read forwards. Typically, if I see "Fwd:" in the subject line of an email, I delete it.

DAD: Yeah, I know.

JER: You do?

DAD: Sure, that's why I always delete "Fwd:" out of the subject line before I send it to you.

That's my dad!
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posted by Jeremy Bear 11:24 AM

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