The Infernal Blue Box

May 28th was five years for me and Carey, marriage-wise, which is more or less the first Big One. We're officially No Longer New At This.

We had a grand scheme for our 5 year celebration: an Alaskan cruise. We'd been planning a 5th-year cruise since our honeymoon, and life in Long Beach has made us crave something glacial. Unfortunately, our tax situation this year has drained our funds dry and we're going to try to make a 6th Anniversary gift out of Alaska. We'll see.

So we endeavored to keep our gift giving modest. Then again, five years ain't hay, so we decided on $400-$500 gift limits. Carey made it very clear what she was hoping for, though: jewelry from Tiffany's.

Tiffany's. Legendary haven for people that can afford far more than I can. "I've always wanted to get something in that little Blue Box," Carey told me.

The Infernal Blue Box.

Well, crap, I don't know a Tiffany's ring from a Cracker Jack ring. Carey emailed me a few suggestions and I trudged into the local store at South Coast Plaza.

Understand, this is Tiffany's, so you're immediately sized up by the sales staff when you walk through the door. They tend to bolt toward the 17-year-old heiresses with Daddy's credit card at the ready. Someone like me? It takes awhile to get their attention.

Finally, a guy about my dad's age took pity and strolled over.

SALES GUY: Did you need something here, sir?

ME: Thanks, yeah, I'm looking for a ring for my wife. An anniversary gift. I don't know anything about jewelry, so I'm open to suggestions.

SALES GUY: Ah. And what type of rings does she like?

ME: Well, I know she likes platinum and I know she's interested in diamonds.

SALES GUY: Excellent. Let's take a look in this case, mm?

ME: Wow, these are very nice.

SALES GUY: Here's a beautiful ring for an anniversary. Platinum, the diamonds are arranged in a design that's very popular this year.

ME: And how much is this one?

SALES GUY: This is $3,700.

ME: Hnn.

SALES GUY: But over here is the one I'd recommend. It's $4,500, but you certainly can't go wrong with--

ME: Right, you know, this is, uh, this is out of my price range. Unfortunately. So, maybe something simpler?

SALES GUY: All right, what's your price range?

ME: Er... I was hoping to stay in the... $600 neighborhood?

SALES GUY: I see. My friend, you're going to want to look in silver. That way.

ME: Yeah, the trouble is, there's nothing in silver that's... first of all, there's really nothing with diamonds in silver. Isn't there a middle ground somewhere?

SALES GUY: Not in platinum.

ME: Well, look, I brought this printout from your website. What about this? Platinum, single diamond, $650. I could do that.

SALES GUY: We do have that ring...

ME: "But...?"

SALES GUY: My friend, you don't want to give your wife this ring for your anniversary. This is a Promise Ring.

ME: And what is that exactly?

SALES GUY: You've never heard of a Promise Ring?

ME: I've heard of it, I've just never known what it was.

SALES GUY: Don't get out much, do you?

ME: ...Apparently not.

SALES GUY: A Promise Ring is something a teenager gives to another teenager. "I love you," you know, "maybe we'll be married some day..."

ME: Are a lot of 16-year-olds with an extra $700 laying around making wedding plans?

SALES GUY: Tell you what, I have an idea. What do you think of this ring?

ME: Well, it's nice. What... do you think of it?

SALES GUY: It's right in your price range. White gold with five small diamonds. Very... modest... but appropriate for someone in your... situation.

ME: Uh-huh. And this is better than the platinum one.

SALES GUY: For an anniversary gift, yes.

ME: Because the platinum one would be some sort of insult.

SALES GUY: I think so.

ME: Well... okay, let's get this one, then. The white gold.

SALES GUY: Very good. Try not to feel bad. This is a perfectly adequate gift for a 1st anniversary.

ME: Uh.

SALES GUY: This... is your first anniversary, isn't it?

ME: Not... no.

SALES GUY: Which one is it?

ME: ...

SALES GUY: ...

ME: It's our third.

SALES GUY: Ah. Third. Well, come back and see us for one of the big ones, eh?

ME: Hnn.

Look, I didn't like lying about which anniversary it was anymore than you liked reading it, but come on! What would you have done in that situation?

In the end, the snotty guy wrapped the ring in The Infernal Blue Box and handed it over. Carey was happy to get it. At first she had mixed feelings about the ring, but she's definitely warmed to it (not that the Tiffany's story helped any).

As it happens, silver Tiffany's cufflinks were Carey's gift to me, so I received an Infernal Box of my own (but the cufflinks are very nice).

The day of our anniversary was terrific, though. A three-hour drive to Joshua Tree National Park, a gorgeous, sprawling desert in Southeast California. I've honestly never seen anything quite like it. Being an Ohio boy, my exposure to deserts has been limited at best, so this was defintely a treat for both Carey and me and I'd definitely like to go out there again.

Maybe it was the wide-openness of it all. You start to forget just how claustrophobic the urban environment can be, especially in somewhere as insane as Los Angeles County. But driving through that park was incredible. Haven't developed the pics yet, but I'll post them when I do.

Dinner, for the third year in a row, was at Bono's. Always a terrific experience, but we should have said no to dessert.

But best of all, it was a day of no responsibilities, save being with the woman I like best. I had a great time.

Five years, Care. Love ya.

F*ck Tiffany's.

posted by Jeremy Bear 7:03 AM

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