@%*#$@!

JASON: What about "breasts"? Can you say "breasts"?

ME: Sure, "breasts" isn't a swear word.

JASON: Yeah, but it's kinda... you know. What about "tits"?

ME: Hm. That's not on my list, but maybe it should be. It's pretty vulgar.

JASON: Or what about The Finger? What if you flip someone the bird? Can you do that?

ME: Uh. I don't really... maybe that should count as an "F" word.

JASON: No, it should be its own offense.

ME: Yeah, but how would I demonstrate it on my Cuss Counter?

JASON: Well, you just have a little sketch or icon of the middle finger sticking up.

ME: Uh-huh, just flipping off everyone who looks at it.

And later...

CAREY: So, that was the test? Whether you'd say it in front of the nieces and nephews?

ME: Yeah.

CAREY: I can think of a few words you probably shouldn't say around them that aren't on the list.

ME: Well, that's true. Like the "N" word. It's not a swear, but it's pretty lousy. Also, I probably wouldn't want to refer to anyone's "tits" in front of the little ones.

CAREY: Tt!! No kidding you shouldn't!!!

Labels: dialogue

posted by Jeremy Bear 7:52 AM

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Big applause for Ash Wednesday, everyone!
-or-
Let's give it up for Lent!

He probably doesn't know it, but there's something quietly inspiring about my brother-in-law, Steve Martin. He's a good guy and I found myself talking to him about the traditions of Catholicism over Thanksgiving, Lent in particular.

I've never had many inclinations toward Catholicism, but hearing Steve talk about it made me realize how many beautiful aspects there are to its liturgy. So... I decided then and there to give Lent a try.

I'll admit it: I'm cheating a bit. Traditionally, you're supposed to use your sacrifice to remind you to pray or consider the holiness of God and doot-doot-bebop-shoowop. I'll give it a go, but mostly I'm doing it as a sort of self-experiment: just how important to me is what I'm giving up?

But what should it be? Steve said it could really be anything... an aspect of your diet, a portion of your time, something you enjoy, even a bad habit you've developed.

So here it is: for 40 days and 40 nights, I'm giving up swear words.

I know, I know, "what's technically a swear word?" Well, I thought long and hard about it and came up with the answer: it's any word I would censor myself from saying around my nieces and nephews.

Anyhow, experiments like this are fairly useless without accountability, so cast your eyes in the upper-right to see my ham-handed attempt at staying honest: The Cuss Counter. Every single time I let something slip, I'll post a hit on the counter. Sadly, Ash Wednesday isn't even over yet and I've already started ticking away. Nonetheless, I'm going to do my very best. No spoken swears. No written swears, either. No singing along with songs containing swears.

Also, I've tried to order the Cuss list in, appropriately, descending order (by level of depravity). By the way, if you can't figure out what any of them are, ask anyone between the ages of 12 and 18. They'll be glad to fill you in.

So, wish me luck. If I know myself, this'll be one he-- erhm.. right. --one heck of a challenge.

Oh, and be sure to look me up on Easter Sunday. I'll be that enormously relieved-looking fellow letting fly with a litany of pure filth like you've never heard.

posted by Jeremy Bear 7:29 AM

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Que onda guero?

I want to reach that glory land.
I want to shake my savior's hand,
And I want to sing that rock and roll.
I want to 'lectrify my soul,
'Cause everybody been making a shout
So big and loud, been drowning me out.
I want to sing that rock and roll.


Well, mateys, it's official and it's in my greasy little hands: Furious Fist of the Drunken Monkey #2, with a very special backup feature illustrated by yours truly. My gaggle of copies arrived in the post on Saturday and what can I tell you? Rich gave me big-font credit on the inside front cover for my one, lame little page, which is much more than he had to do. Look for it on the shelf for the low, low price of $2.99.

And tell 'em Crazy Jer sent ya!
...


As I type, little bitty flakes of scabby skin are falling from my head.

Oh, I don't blame Blu, though. "Give me the juice," I told her on Saturday. "Bleach my head like it's never been bleached before. I want to be day-glow, sister! I want to be Long Beach's paunchiest albino! Make me sing, baby! Make me sing!"

So, after 45 minutes of the worst abuse ever inflicted on my poor scalp, Blu decided enough was enough and she rinsed out my hair. And it was bleached all right, but my head was raw and blistered.

Look, I know that the bleach bit isn't as en vogue as it once was, but I like it and Lord knows there isn't much in this world that I've been forced to suffer for, so, heck, I might as well begin with my coiffure.

So if you happen to see me on the street, feel free to remark, "love that flaming, damaged head!" but please: don't touch. It still kinda hurts.
...


A quick look through the Blogger archives and it looks like I've been sugar-free for exactly one year.

I initially thought that I could remain sugarless for two weeks and that would be that, but those weeks somehow mutated into a month, which, before I knew it, suddenly became a whole blessed YEAR. Frankly, I'm amazed at myself.

And the other weird thing is I'd grown more strict with it as the months passed. If sugar is an ingredient, no matter how far down the list... uh-uh. Get that poison away from me, chum. I've allowed a couple of indulgences (like barbecue sauce, though I'm ashamed to say it), but I've mostly stayed on the straight and narrow.

There've also been some What the Hells. My sister's apple pie at Thanksgiving. A half-slice of bread pudding on New Years Eve. Rarities.

Mainly, I don't know, I just feel better. I'm not as run-down. I sleep through the whole night. I've cut out a substantial amount of general jitteriness.

I'm hanging with it.
...


Oh, Beck released a new EP on iTunes. Go buy it, you squares.
...


I've gotten several notes from thoughtful people that enjoyed my One! Hundred! Sketches! feature, which made me smile. It's difficult to explain to non-bloggers, but there's a very unique *zing* that occurs when people stop to let you know that they enjoyed something you've posted into cyberspace. So, thanks for saying so, you.

Now get your own websites so I can heap blessings on your head!
...


That's all for now. Tune in tomorrow for A Very Special Announcement from JeremyBear.com.

Happy Fat Tuesday/Chinese New Year!

posted by Jeremy Bear 7:31 PM

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