6 Billion Awaiting Instructions

Do you ever get the feeling that, as a society, we're being told what we're supposed to care about?

"Ashlee Simpson just turned 21."

"Oh. Does anyone like Ashlee Simpson?"

"Doesn't matter. She's 21. Just so you know."

"Got it."

"AIDS is an auto-immune disease that affects heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. You need to think about a cure."

"That is terrible, but my wife has Lupus, which is also an auto-immune disease that's actually even more common than AIDS in the United States. I wonder if--"

"No. AIDS. Think about AIDS."

"I'll... try."

"Ashton and Demi have tied the knot. Their difference in age is 15 years."

"...Okay...?"

"George W. Bush once picked his nose at a baseball game."

"Uh."

"Andres Serrano peed on a crucifix and called it 'art.'"

"Mm."

"Major League Baseball has been lax about steroid testing."

"So?"

"So that. It's important."

"Why? To whom?!"

"IT'S IMPORTANT!!!"

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Fortunately, my posting Lauren's preggo pic a week or two ago was sufficient to guilt Erin into sending me one of herself. The big day's less than two months away.

You're really starting to let yourself go, darlin'. Watch that.

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The other day, Howard Stern was poking fun at bloggers. "Who are these losers? Don't they have anything better to do than yammer on and on about every minute detail of their pathetic lives? Does anyone really care?"

Apparently, Howard isn't familiar with his own job description.

Irony!

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Schwyzen gently pointed out to me: "I hate to say it, but there's 'discreet' and there's 'discrete.'"

Ach. Well, I'm not too proud to admit to needing a vocab-related selfangulation.

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I rarely check my own web stats, but sometimes you just can't help it. I'm always surprised to learn that the number of distinct (or, I guess, discrete) visitors that happen across JerBear.com in a given month is well into the hundreds. How are these people getting here?

Search engines, for one. Since approximately 95% of the content of this website is archived blogs, it's no surprise that I've generated enough varied content to turn up on a fair amount of search engine results.

So what are people searching on to find me? Well, according to my web stats, here are a few choice phrases:

white hair
unfiltered saki
"blood in the litter box"
Paige Davis
bear porn
"putting out for Hitler"
furry chests
panty smeller
"pre teen turkey"
trolling for strippers
stone lodged penis
excessive orange ear wax
hiding feces
i'm a bear called jeremy, i can do most anything
stupid drunken monkey pics
masturbating after passing a kidney stone
big niggaz
transformers stand for justice
"I'm fat now"
dropping keys down elevator shaft costs

and, for some reason...

my wife likes to be spanked i hired a spanking on her birthday at her place of work

So, I don't know, to all of you with personal websites out there: don't get too cocky with those web stats. Reality can be jarring.

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Finally, if you happen to be that last lonely soul on the internet that hasn't seen it yet, you really need to check out the re-cut movie trailer for The Shining.

If you didn't know before, marketing is everything.

Labels: dialogue

posted by Jeremy Bear 1:28 PM

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